


Levi Finally Breaks Down

by The_Girl_Wonder



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heartache, Heartbreak, Mental Breakdown, Nightmares, Pain, Sad, Survivor Guilt, im so sorry, just endless pain, this was my mood at 4 am today and i wrote this, why did he have to die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:48:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29426262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Girl_Wonder/pseuds/The_Girl_Wonder
Summary: Having told the person he loved most in the world to give up and die is unsurprisingly a source of unending pain.(I wrote this angst-fest at 4 in the morning and it needs, well, a lot—so I’ll be editing it for sure but for now here ya go)
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	Levi Finally Breaks Down

**Author's Note:**

> OH HEY ALSO BIG SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT SEEN SEASON THREE
> 
> Okay so I was basically crying over Erwin’s death and couldn’t sleep so I wrote a thing. I hope it can help some of us cope (jk there’s no chance of that)

It took a long time to sink in. Longer than he’d thought it would. 

In the heat of battle, when impossible choices had to be made in split seconds—he was used to making incredible sacrifices in just a few short moments. He’d been ready to die. Ready to watch people  
he cared about get sent to their deaths. 

But this—not this. Please not this.  
_I trust him to make the choice._  
Why? And this was exactly what he’d feared.  
_Give up and die._  
He’d said those words. He’d never imagined he could say those words. That he’d ever have to.

He hadn’t meant for them to come out so harsh, so unforgiving and heartless. But he knew he had to say them, and as they began to spill from his throat he realized with terror that they were going to catch—that he would choke on them. So he forced them out. With finality. With viciousness.

And he’d watched as the man he loved accepted it; in the end, marching toward his death like any of the rest of them.  
He’d watched as the ambition went out of those crackling blue eyes—and eventually everything else.

He wanted nothing else in the world than to apologize for it, for his lack of humanity. For the harshness of his voice.  
_I couldn’t let you hear me cry._

It took a long time to sink in, but when it did, he realized it had been building. Slowly, it was what added weight to every step he took, making him heavier each moment that would drag itself past him.  
The coronation, the meetings, strategist mappings—they were attended dutifully by a _part_ of him. The rest of him was somewhere else.

_I’m happy for you. You finally made it out of this shithole nightmare of a world.  
You made it—without me. _

A week after they’d come home, he lay in his chambers yet again unable to fall asleep. The darkness swirled and seemed to heighten the images that tormented him, giving them a depth he couldn’t seem to shake out of. He was there again. He’d have to make a choice.  
_Die._  
And why hadn’t it been him? Why? Why? _Why?_  
It took a long time, but when it finally set in, he couldn’t catch his breath. The tears spilled so hot and thick he felt he might drown. He _was_ drowning.  
What was this if not drowning?  
Please, he thinks. Please what?  
_Please._  
His chest burns, it feels as though his throat will burst.  
Then, a knock on his door.  
“Captain?” Hange is silhouetted in the doorway, her hair let down for bed.  
“Levi?”  
He doesn’t move; doesn’t make a sound. He pretends to be asleep.  
When he’s sure she’s gone he dares to breathe, trying to gain control of himself once again. 

But then he hears the creak of the floorboards and feels a weight fall onto him.  
Hange has plopped herself directly on top of him, smothering him like very warm, very heavy weighted blanket.

“I miss him.”  
The protest dies in his throat. Perhaps it’s the way that her words tremble just the slightest bit, but suddenly the tears come rushing back and he’s sobbing again.  
She strokes his hair and murmurs what he hears to be “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Again and again.

He falls asleep and dreams absolutely nothing.


End file.
